i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
