Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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