I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
