I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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