twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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