Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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