I hope mine doesn't look like that
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
