We're facebook friends in real life
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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