The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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