i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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