Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
