things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
