I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
