Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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