But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
