Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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