im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
