I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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