the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
