Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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