Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
