i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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