direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
