So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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