I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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