I faked an abortion last night.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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