And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
