Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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