If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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