I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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