So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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