My cat gives me a boner
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
