well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
