I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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