I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
