Only a mothe r could love this liver
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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