And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
