I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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