apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
