But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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