You smell like a Billy Joel song
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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