i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
