i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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