i used baking grease as lip gloss
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
