I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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