Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
