I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
