it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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