HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
