Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
