So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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