true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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